Quotes About Humor

I'd like to see more stand-up routines venture into depicting tragedy. It's conventional to give people a humorous cathartic release; now I'd love to hear stand-up tragedy that would reduce the audience to exhausted tears.

As the French would say: Who doesn't like getting their butt sucked?

The door to my boss's office is always closed now, and we haven't traded more than two words any day since he found the fight club rules in the copy machine and I maybe implied I might gut him with a shotgun blast. Just me clowning around, again.

Thanks, Darth Obvious. Or is it Emperor Palpable?

We laugh so that we don't scream.

It's probably the only attraction in Shartlesburg, Pennsylvania, a town whose name Miriam finds so funny she, well, nearly sharts every time she hears it.

I could just call you Asshole or Shithead. Because you're kinda both, you ask me.

Some of life's best moments are during a good bowel movement, and to have that robbed from you, I can't even imagine.

Thankfully, it's she who spoke. Not the skeleton. Because … gross.

one of the truest things about people is that they will laugh in the face of terror, tragedy, and sadness

Never underestimate the power of a bad joke, and better yet one that pokes fun at yourself.

Writers are goofy-headed moon-units.

Dang, that sounds like a fucking movie and shit. Sleep Hard 4: Sleep Harder.

Most people laughed, and they did so sincerely, because one of the truest things about people is that they will laugh in the face of terror, tragedy, and sadness.

One time, a roadrunner watched her take a shit, her squatting form framed by the Sangre de Cristo Mountains.

He will literally kick my butt so hard I'll be tasting my own asshole for weeks.

I would straight up fuck a snowman right now

You're not tasked with desalinating an ocean or training a komodo dragon to cure ebola. I'm saying, sludge yourself into the ass receptacle and peck keyboard keys like a hungry chicken until it makes words. Or pick up one of the tools used by our distant ancestors -- it is a tube filled with the liquid black souls of all the animals we've made extinct -- and use this pen as a scribe would to etch scribbly heretical word-shapes onto dead tree pulp.

That was a pretty good laptop, but Reagan's glad to lose it. Sometimes sacrifices must be made in the search for sweet lulz

Don't judge me, Captain Judgeypants. I go there for the sandwiches.)

Dad wouldn't be able to find his own butt with a map and a fully charged Ass Detector.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. —George Carlin

Semper ubi sub ubi

I was funny -- ha-ha, not peculiar. It was a modest currency, like pennies: pedestrian, somewhat laborious, but a currency nonetheless. I was funny, in public, most often at my own expense.