Quotes About Humor

If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Oh sure, it seems obvious now, but you'd be amazed at how many people don't think of it when it's relevant. Seriously, just punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.

and I spilled gravy on my Carolina sweater, because I am alive

Woody Allen made it acceptable for beautiful women to sleep with nerdy, bespectacled goofballs; all we need to do is fabricate the illusion of intellectual humor, and we somehow have a chance.

The two most durable joke constructions were (a) casually dismissing something new that would later become extremely common, and (b) referring to some forgotten triviality as if it were destined to be timeless.

There are things we cannot control about ourselves. One of these things is the degree to which we find something to be funny. It

No one has ever honestly said, "I hate that this joke exists, even though it's clearly hilarious." It

Most episodes of Seinfeld circuitously forward two worldviews: The first is that most people are bad (and not very smart). The ­second is that caring about other people is absurd (and not very practical). It is the most villainous sitcom ever made, particularly since its massive audience never seemed to fully grasp what it was literally seeing.

Such language, Babette says. Why don't you just take a dump in my ears!

A good story should make you laugh, and a moment later break your heart.

Most of the laugh tracks on television were recorded in the early 1950's. These days, most of the people you hear laughing are dead.

Everything is funnier in retrospect, funnier and prettier and cooler. You can laugh at anything from far enough away.

The joke is, we all have the same punchline.

His computer password is password.

Also consider that someday, when you're dead and rotted, kids with their baby teeth will sit in their time-geography class and laugh about how stupid you were.

Maybe humans are just the pet alligators that God flushed down the toilet.

These days, most of the people you hear laughing are dead.

You ever wonder when god's coming back with a lot of barbecue sauce?

A guy's calling to say he's failing algebra II. Just as a point of practice, I say, Kill yourself. A woman calls and says her kids won't behave. Without missing a beat, I tell her, Kill yourself. A man calls to say his car won't start. Kill yourself. A woman calls to ask what time the late movie starts. Kill yourself. She asks, Isn't this 555-1327? Is this the Moorehouse CinePlex? I say, Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.

You ever wonder if Adam and Eve were just the puppies God dumped because they wouldn't house-train?

As the French say, who doesn't like getting their butt sucked?

So this is why I write. Because most times, your life isn't funny the first time through. Most times, you can hardly stand it. That's why I write, because life never works except in retrospect. And writing makes you look back. Because since you can't control life, at least you can control your version.

No matter what else you came up against, if you could smile and laugh while a monkey did you with chestnuts in a dank concrete basement while somebody took pictures, well, any other situation would be a piece of cake

A good story should make you laugh, and a moment later break your heart. — Chuck Palahniuk, Stranger Than Fiction

My goldfish is swimming around all excited inside the fishbowl on the fridge so I reach up and drop a Valium in its water.