Quotes About Humor

There's more than zero people famous for making vaginal-yeast brioche?

Arriva il momento quando l'astuzia e la spiritosaggine sono spazzate via. Si trema all'idea che si sarà rimpinzati di finali tristi fino a farceli uscire dalle orecchie. Quelli che la gente considera finali lieti non sono, naturalmente, finali: i finali sono per definizione tristi.

You wanna know how to make God laugh?" he said. "Tell him your plans.

I thought, Hell, that's pretty quick for a woman with Lee press-on nails.

I was the least impressed with, a woman who thought Henry Miller was a police sitcom from the seventies.

Home Improvement was going to be two stars in a lovely adult romance. It turned out to be this show about the ape-man who blows up shit.

I got a gas grill, but it came unassembled. It looked like a car bomb. Every guy's been where I've been. You finish building it, it looks great, but there's a weird bag of important-looking stuff left over. "Honey? Why don't you try the grill out first? I'll be in the basement with my welding hat on."

Only a man will think of a burp as a greeting for another man.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Now the denominator ... why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator ... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it? [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction!

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Ingeniously, [Heinrich Wickmann] was able to use a pencil to mark that bit of the egg he could see inside the hen's oviduct, through its cloaca prior to laying. (I can just imagine his wife popping into his study with a cup of coffee and seeing Wickmann with his pencil up a hen's bottom: 'What are you doing, dear?' she asks...).

Today I asked Chloe to be my girlfriend,and she agreed. I sank my teeth into her neck and drank from her jugular in the library at lunchtime. She's agreed to join me as a vampire and she's moving in next week. April Fool!

I wandered around for hours, dodging falling poo in alleyways

As a kid I was short and only weighed 95 pounds. And though I was active in a lot of Sports and got along with most of the guys, I think I used comedy as a defense mechanism. You know making someone laugh is a much better way to solve a problem than by using your fists.

That's all I ask of life, residual laughter/

The Roman Empire invented snacks, right after the aqueducts. Irrigation flowed, food plentiful, people munching between meals in the city-states. They ate these little, sun-dried meaty things, highly distasteful and falling out of favor until olive oil. I just made all that up. The key to life is making shit up. Everyone does it or society would unravel, like, Gee, your hair looks great! Or: God told me you're wrong

Maybe it was their names, they thought. Stinky, Cheese-Dick and Ringworm.

Your mom's not that bad," said Jim. "Are you trying to make me mad?" "Okay she is." "I knew it. You've never liked her." "What's the right answer?" "So you're just telling me what I want to hear?" Jim reached over and put a hand on his wifes. "I love you.

You just can't live in Florida without a pool. It's a necessity, like air conditioning. Or a bidet. Florida is America's bidet.

Cadillac Beach a novel TIM DORSEY

Serge bowed his own head and closed his eyes. "God, please protect us from your followers. Amen.