Quotes About Humor

I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."

I had a moment where I realised I could do silly voices, that lots of people I knew couldn't do silly voices, and that thus I must be able to make money doing silly voices.

I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah.

Why would people spend good money to have my pants?

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

If you had enough money, you could hardly commit crimes at all. You just perpetrated amusing little peccadilloes.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket.

Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studdedwheelchair.

That's the funny thing about stealing money---it always seems to be the rich people who have the most of it.

The funniest thing people say to me: "I wish I had your life". Hello! I make a living writing about it.

So if you were dating the UPS guy, he could buy you whatever the hell he wanted. But I cant."well...yes, but I'd never date the UPS guy. Those brown shorts are just not a turn-on for me.

If you like easygoing monogamous men stay away from billionaires.

How to double your money: Fold it over once and put it back in your pocket.

The man who invented slow-motion movies got his idea while watching a Scotsman reach for a check in a restaurant.

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes I'll get another lawyer."

Humor works, and it's the best way to get attention without spending a lot of money.

One day ladies will take their computers for walks in the park and tell each other, "My little computer said such a funny thing this morning".

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

"Mr. Churchill you're drunk!" Mr. Churchill: "And you, Lady Astor, are ugly. As for my condition, it will pass by the morning. You, however, will still be ugly.

Sure, mom, I settle down with a nice girl every night, then I'm free the next morning.

The perfect woman has an IQ of 150, wants to make love until 4 in the morning, then turns into a pizza!

My little computer said such a funny thing this morning.

No contact with savage Indian tribes has ever daunted me more than the morning I spent with an old lady swathed in woolies who compared herself to a rotten herring encased in a block of ice.