Quotes About Humor

My senior year of high school, I was voted Wittiest. So, several years later, I decided to try my hand at writing humor to see if I could be witty enough to make some money.

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Bankers are just like anybody else, only richer

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese.

A fool and his money are soon married.

This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it.

If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money he'd jump out the window.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

Joe Barbera's s always complaining that he can't get humor into cartoons anymore. Just do it. You've got your money. Why do they let the networks run their lives?

The only medicine that needs no prescription, has no unpleasant taste, and costs no money is laughter.

People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

I value humor, kindness, and the ability to tell a good story far more than money, status, or the kind of car someone drives.

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.

Decline III, I funded myself, from the studio money. That, and I sold a lot of drugs. Kidding. Don't print that.

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

Recently somebody said, "Hey, you lost weight," and I said, "Yeah, thirty-five pounds and three and a half billion dollars." So I'm quite a bit lighter and more flexible than I was.