Quotes About Humor

Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.

My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha."

I make a bad mom, but I can pull off a crazy aunt.

Your mom is a rainbow goddess?" "You got a problem with that?" "No, no. Rainbows. Very macho.

I go to bed wearing a very baggy one-piece cheetah suit, just because it makes my son laugh. My sexy lingerie has been locked in a drawer for a while.

Nana glanced at Ben. "I think your mom has catepillars in her ears. She keeps repeating everything I say like she can't hear me.

Yeah, Mom, I'll just keep telling the prince that he has absolutely no shot with me and offend him as often as I can. Great plan.

My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wiseass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy. But, I am definitely the first comedian in my family.

Calvin: Why are you crying mom? Mom: I'm cutting up an onion. Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.

What's the difference between a hockey mom and a mass turkey-murdering machine? Looks like about 15 feet.

I could do without 'cool' publications calling me 'mom jazz.' But I laughed all the way to the bank, baby.

moms aren't the best audience for medication humor.

Mom used to say that having three boys was kind of like having a pet tornado that talked back.

Does your mother know that you're carrying a gun? I'm going to tell her. I'm going to call and tell her right now." Joe Morelli's mom

me: just don't ask about his forty-three ex-boyfriends, okay? or ask him about why he's carrying around an axe. mom:... me: i'm kidding about the axe part.

That just sounds so funny, A-list. Really, I'm a mom, and that's how I'm going to be all my life.

I'm a substitute mom." "You're more like a crazy aunt who only gets called when somebody needs bailing out of jail.

Calvin is hammering nails into coffee table. Mom: CALVIN WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE COFFEE TABLE?!? Calvin: Is this some sort of trick question, or what?

Dad: Honey, have you seen my glasses? I can"t find them. Mom: I haven't seen them. Calvin: (with glasses, to Dad) Calvin, go do something you hate! Being miserable builds character!

Mom's eyes blazed. "Are you sleeping with her?" Oh, god. Did we have to do this here? Now? "Well, actually," I smirked, "we don't get a lot of sleep.

(She grabbed him for a bear hug.) Stop sexually harassing me, Mom. (Nick)

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

Janie calls Cabel. "Hi, uh, Mom," she says. Cabel snorts. "Hello, dear. Did you make it through the blizzard?" "Yeah. Barely." Janie grins into the phone.

Never eat in a place called 'Mom's'.