Quotes About Humor

No one is listening until you fart.

Always give 100% — unless you're donating blood.

Tyrannosaurus drives. Tyrannosaurus texts. Tyrannosaurus rex.

Here's to the Clock! Whose hands, we pray heaven, When we come home at three, Have stopped at eleven!

DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of William Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Your attitude is like a box of crayons that color your world. Constantly color your picture gray, and your picture will always be bleak. Try adding some bright colors to the picture by including humor, and your picture begins to lighten up.

Even as a little child, I've always had that comedian kind of attitude.

If someone breaks your heart just punch them in the face. Seriously. Punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.

Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.

No normal man ever fell in love after thirty when the kidneys begin to disintegrate.

Thanksgiving Day is a day devoted by persons with inflammatory rheumatism to thanking a loving Father that it is not hydrophobia.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

The only people who make no mistakes are dead people. I saw a man last week who has not made a mistake for four hundred years. He was a mummy in the Egyptian department of the British Museum." - H.L. Wayland

The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

He is one of those peple who would be enormously improved by death

JUDGE, n A law student who marks his own papers.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you really are.

Often an ounce of humor is worth a ton of words.

It feels kind of cool to come back from work every day without having killed anybody.

Jeg tar av meg frakken, hatten og skjerfet og gir meg i kast med å tømme askebegre og plukke opp klær. Tre kvarter senere ser leiligheten ut som om den kunne ha blitt fotografert til Håndbok i husstell for leiemordere. Jeg har nettopp sunket ned i en lenestol, den som vender mot kjøkkenet og inngangsdøra, da Gunholder stiger inn. Jeg skynder meg å trekke inn magen.

It's Hlynur Bjorn Hafsteinsson, Bergporugotu, 8b, Reykjavik, Iceland. — Is there no postal code? — Oh yes. It's hundred and one Reykjavik. I'm the one.