Quotes About Humor

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Algernon: You can't possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It's absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that...

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When people ask me what I did over the weekend I always squint and say, "Why, what did you hear?"

My weekend plans — to move just enough so no one thinks I'm dead.

What do you suppose? A bee sat on my nose. Then what do you think? He gave me a wink And said, "I beg your pardon, I thought you were the garden."

None of us can have as many virtues as the fountain-pen, or half its cussedness; but we can try.

Aries are just drunk Capricorns.

Exercise! — because zombies will eat the slow ones first.

Saturday Night Live

You just got Ginsburned!

Satire is merely pointing out that roses have thorns — and that we can't avoid pricks.

...for the gods too love a joke...

A joke is at most a temporary rebellion against virtue, and its aim is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that he is already degraded.

Fatherhood is pretending that the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

The chief function of the graduation speaker has always been to ensure that the graduating seniors are not released into the real world until they have been properly sedated.

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

Any suburban mother can state her role sardonically enough in a sentence: it is to deliver children — obstetrically once and by car forever after.

...one thing is certain, no party is any fun unless seasoned with folly.

Life is tough. If you don't have fun and smile and goof around, life will bog you down real fast...

Remember: "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

Confucius say: Man who put face in bowl get punch in nose.

I like my new telephone, my computer works just fine, my calculator is perfect, but Lord, I miss my mind!

Valentine's Day is when a lot of spouses are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.