Quotes About Humor

You can tell how long a couple has been married by whether they are on their first, second, or third bottle of Tabasco.

Cold weather in spring makes the ass shiver.

98% of all statistics are made up.

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it's Sunday… and you're 32.

He called me a quadrilateral astronomical incandescent son of a bitch.

Did you ever notice: when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.

Well, the good old days with most of us was when we didn't earn enough to pay an income tax.

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on.

X-rays amuse God: all the things he can see that a machine can't.

There's the Oxford comma, but I like the Shatner comma. It's when you pepper them in, so, you know where, to add, dramatic pauses.

Not sure if it's Tuesday or just a second Monday.

Today is Wednesday. Which means that tomorrow is Pre-Friday, which means the next day is Friday. So today is basically Friday.

If it's Wednesday but it's not raining, does that make it Dry Hump Day?

You have casual Fridays. Those of us who work at home have shaveless Mondays… deodorantless Tuesdays… sockless Wednesdays… and of course, topless Thursdays.

Sufficient unto the day is one baby. As long as you are in your right mind don't you ever pray for twins. Twins amount to a permanent riot; and there ain't any real difference between triplets and a insurrection.

Women don't fart — it's just glittery puffs of unicorn giggles.

From a proud unicorn stallion vomiting rainbows as he soars across the sky to toy unicorns pooping rainbows as colored jellybeans, modern culture puts its own twist on potty humor by making it light and fluffy. Don't get stuck asking yourself why unicorns fart rainbows — it's the juxtaposition of a magical creature and a disgusting everyday act that creates the joke.

I love you from my head tomatoes!

Please understand the reason why Chinese vegetables taste so good. It is simple. The Chinese do not cook them, they just threaten them!

I am broccoli, and I look like a tree. I am a walnut, and I look like a brain. I am a mushroom, and I hate this game.

Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.

All mushrooms are edible — but some only once.

Q: What's a cat's favorite vegetable? A: As-purr-agus!