Quotes About Humor

I like to think I'm like the guy who goes to the office Christmas party Friday night, insults some people, but still has his job Monday morning.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

You tell anyone I cried, I'll find a dead fish, put it in a sock, hide it in your room, and let it putrefy.""Fair enough.

There is nothing more precious than laughter

If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

I don't really understand that process called reincarnation but if there is such a thing I'd like to come back as my daughter's dog.

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

My mother wanted us to understand that the tragedies of your life one day have the potential to be comic stories the next.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again. 'Yes', she replied 'but not the same ones.'

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

A woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!

My mother was an ex-nun, and my father was a Franciscan brother, so I grew up believing in Jesus the way anyone would believe in Mom's first husband.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Jack the Ripper's mother, who said to Jack, How come I never see you with the same girl twice? Never got a dinner!

Goliath's mother, who said to Goliath, Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned! Never got a dinner!

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

I describe my look as a blend of mother goose, cinderella, and the local hooker!