Quotes About Humor

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, Boy, the food at this place is really terrible. The other one says, Yeah, I know; and such small portions. Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

It reminds me of that old joke- you know, a guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Then the doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. I guess that's how I feel about relationships. They're totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don't you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful, and multiply'. But not in those words.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

I can't fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.

Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.