Quotes About Humor

You know what my philosophy of life is? That it's important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

Raised by two mothers...wow, most of us barely survive one

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.

I just met a wonderful new man, he is fictional but you can't have everything

We laughed over it, and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down.

No, thanks. I already own a penguin.

Beautiful, funny, smart, sexual, and also neurotic? It's like filling an inside straight.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose..

There's a snake in my butt!

The only time that my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.