Quotes About Humor

Grape-Nuts is a mysterious product. You open the box, pour it in the bowl, no grapes, no nuts. What's the story?

The real motivation of being a comedian is if you really love the sound of a laugh.

She taught me to revel. She taught me to wonder. She taught me to laugh. My sense of humor had always measured up to everyone else's; but timid introverted me, I showed it sparingly: I was a smiler. In her presence I threw back my head and laughed out loud for the first time in my life

There's nothing sadder than a sobbing waffle.

I did not mean to sodomize Dick Cheney.

Why am I always attracting women who still slept with stuffed animals?

Do you realize that one out of every four Americans is unbalanced? Think of your three closest friends. If they seem normal, then you are the one.

Their four blond boys were indistinguishable except for height: John, Kyle, Kevin, and Junior. The oldest was five, and having them so close together meant their mom couldn't laugh too hard anymore or she'd accidentally pee. (She'd told me on the uncomfortable ride home.)

I checked my underwear for a spot of blood like I always did. Nothing but the shadow of a good old-fashioned skid mark toward the rear.

Claude's father was one of those guys who thought if you didn't laugh, it was because you hadn't heard the joke clearly enough.

Someone who has come through heartache and maintains wit and charm is far more interesting than someone who has been kept on a pedestal all her life.

Mr. Gespenst was created by E.E. Kellett and appeared in "The Tables Turned" (Pearson's Magazine, January 1903). Ernest Edward Kellett (1864-1950) wrote widely on subjects from literature to music to religion. He also created Nameless Man (VI). "The Tables Turned" is an amusing comic ghost story.

On the bright side, I have figured out how to fix the American educational system. End it at sixth grade." "Brilliant. Then what?" "Lock them up in empty factories, give them all the Red Bull, condoms, and nachos they want, pipe in club music, and check back when they're twenty-five. Anyone still alive, we send to grad school." Wade pushed his glass forward. "How's that for a campaign platform?

If I looked like you, Debra, I'd masturbate all the time

Whites always have to watch what they say. Blacks do not. Black comedians, for instance, can tell jokes about white people right to their faces, and whites are expected to laugh. Thank goodness for black comedians. If not for them, no one would be able to point out the occasional absurdities of black culture. If a white person tried, he would be off the air quicker than you could say "Kramer from Seinfeld.

If you Find A Wife, they say, your Favorability Rating will improve, because although you are neck and neck with Nancy Fucking Beavers, a middle-aged woman with an ass like two neighborly cast-iron skillets who wears those unbelievable pantsuits — Nancy Fucking Beavers is not fucking single.

Dear Algebra, Stop asking us to find your X. She's not coming back

Why do washing machines eat socks? Do they taste good? Should I eat socks?

What is meant by 'nut bag'? Is that a testicular reference or merely the identification of a satchel of cashews or pecans?

You might be trying to trick me into sleeping with you." "Is it working? Because I am desperate to sleep with you.

Justin: I know where you live. Justin: Wait, I didn't mean that in a creepy way... Justin: Hello? Oh gawd... Did I freak you out? Justin: I just meant that I would know where to pick you up. And it's not like I'd show up in a van with the windows all blacked out. That'd be super creepy. Justin: I drive a Prius. Justin: Nobody gets abducted in a Prius, right?

I had a dream about starting a dating service for fish called solemate.com. In unrelated news, I will never drink again.

Justin: I drive a Prius. Justin: Nobody gets abducted in a Prius, right?

Oh!" Celeste clapped her hand to her mouth, stifling laughter. "Matt said a bad word!" "I said titillating, not tit." "Now you said a bad word!" Celeste squealed.