Quotes About Humor

I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.

Old Japanese saying, live scorpion in pants makes life interesting.

I could have found a dry place in the trees, but I was running and fell into a hole." The old man winked at the stranger and chuckled. "From the looks of it, the ground flew up and hit you in the face.

Pigs might fly, but they're unlikely birds.

find this amusing. 'Didn't you say you lived in Richmond?' 'Yeah. So what?

How can you eat anything with eyes?

I love a dog. He does nothing for political reasons.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do now.

There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on senators.

Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him "father."

Politics is applesauce.

A comedian can only last till he either takes himself serious or his audience takes him serious.

There ought to be one day - just one - where there is open season on senators.

We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket.