Quotes About Humor

If the queen had balls, she'd be the king.

John lowers himself onto the couch, kicks off his shoes, then stretches out, lies down, and adjusts his head on the pillows. Usually he sits cross-legged on the sofa, so this is a first. I notice, too, that there's no food today. "Okay, you win," he begins with a sigh. "Win what?" I ask. "The pleasure of my company," he deadpans. I raise my eyebrows.

But John often took note of my appearance: "Now you're looking more like a real mistress" (when I got highlights in my hair); "You better watch out, some people might see some cleavage" (when I wore a V-neck blouse); "Are those your fuck-me shoes for after work?" (when I wore heels). Each time, I'd try to talk about his "jokes" and the feelings underlying them.

I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at you. Namast'ay in Bed . . . that's exactly how I feel!

Your Grace," he said, bowing as if it was perfectly normal for him to have an ermine weasel clinging to him like a leech.

I love men. They Taste like Chicken

Likewise, she will know that if I start watching reality TV, quoting Dr. Phil, riding roller coasters, and seem to have forsaken bacon in favor of anything soy—it's time to Get the Pillow. That's what—well, I can't tell you who but she's a nurse—says they all say when they've got a particularly cantankerous patient on their wing.

When I married Mr. Right, I didn't realize his first name was ALWAYS.

wisecracks about my wheelchair drag racing, they all said they were happy to see I was still joking around.

left shoulder and trying to pretend it hardly hurt at all - ow, ouch - she wondered why her life had to so closely resemble Mr Bean's. What she wouldn't give to be sleek and chic and in control at all times.

you like babies, don't you? he asked... I have a marginally higher opinion of them than Herod, she said.

Note to self-give serious thought to becoming an alcoholic.

I've given up men. It's true. At first, I was just going to give up attorneys, but that seemed immature - and far too exclusive, so I'm playing it safe and giving up all the penis-carrying humans.

He handed her the other half of his candy bar. She stared at it like it was a brick of gold. I'm on a diet. But she took it. A see-food diet, apparently. I see food and I eat it.

I'm going to shoot somebody, Maddie said. Sawyer hates when people do that. It's a whole bunch of paperwork.

Men exist because a vibrator can't fix a flat tire. On second thought, I should just buy a AAA card...

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it." – Chloe Traeger

Oh good Lord. She definitely hadn't put on enough deodorant for this.

Honest to God, she was the noisiest woman he'd ever been shot at with.

Mallory dropped her head to the steering wheel. Look, I'm mad at you, okay? This isn't about me. I know my painful memories are relative. My life is good. I'm lucky. This isn't about how poor little Mallory has had it so hard. I'm not falling apart or anything. He stroked a hand down her back. Of course you're not. You're just holding the steering wheel up with your head for a minute, that's all.

It was on the table when I got here, Matt said in his defense. Josh eyed the open [Cosmo] magazine. You don't already know how to satisfy your boyfriends in bed? Matt ignored this. Did either of you know there's ninety-nine ways to give a blow job? That's ninety-nine nights of blow jobs. Look at you with the math skills, Josh said. Matt flipped him off while Ty flipped the page. 'How to Give Your Hoo-Ha a Spa Day.' Huh, he said. I didn't know a woman's hoo-ha needed a spa day.

Why, so you can charm my panties off again?

Let me Guess-you lost the coin toss with Dell, which left you stuck with me. Only you don't know how to tell me this because you're a penis-carrying human and can't figure out how to communicate with a mere vagina.

If you're going to ask me if the muffins are low fat, you should know I'm running out of places to hide all the dead bodies.