Quotes About Humor

320 pounds of gamer meat

I don't need to know. So neither do you." LB snorted. "Funny how the people who say that are never the ones with parachutes on.

Of course! That was it! I didn't need a tattoo. What I needed was something a lot less expensive and considerably less painful. What I needed was a Playboy. Guys who are gay do not keep Playboy magazines in their bedrooms.

I tried to think of a good reason as to why I had a sex book down my pants, but my brain refused to work.

I quickly discovered three distinct traits about my tablemates: They hit each other a lot. They swore a lot. They belched a lot.

Kelly's mother was a bitch and her father was run over by the motor home when he chased a squirrel into the street, but I figured that was more information than my mother needed to know.

Don't make jokes about food.

those immovable traffic barriers, which Parisians have nicknamed bittes (pricks).

Although I considered not replacing the dishwasher and resigning myself to the drudgery of hand washing, my painter-pushing friend Randal slapped some sense into me. One day shortly thereafter, two hunky Frenchmen showed up at my apartment, muscles bulging and a fine mist of sweat glistening on their chiseled features. Which was great, but what was even more appreciated than their presence was the new dishwasher they'd hauled up the six flights of stairs.

So I asked the salesclerk for a jar of confiture de groseilles, which is pronounced "gro-zay." But with my less-than-stellar command of the language, I asked for "confiture de grosses selles" (which I pronounced as "gross sells"). The saleswoman's jaw nearly hit the counter: I'd ordered turd jam…make that big-turd jam.

Don't you mean the Vierge Noire, the Black Virgin?" "Uh, yes. Isn't that what I was talking about?" "Daveed, a verge is a penis.

Dorothy Parker who wrote witty stories, did not foresee that spectacles would be- come fashion accessories. "Men seldom make passes At girls who wear glasses." And today, in Washington Square Park I thought of her, Miss Parker, and what she might say assessing the spectacles of our day: "Even the nicest lasses Have tattoos on their asses.

I cannot sing, dance or act what else would I be but a talk show host.

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

Fine art and pizza delivery, what we do falls neatly in between!

You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.

I haven't reached nirvana yet, but I've been to Detroit.

What the hell's the date, Paul?

I enjoy my pettiness with a dose of wit.

I did not tremble to lose what men called beauty, but I feared the loss of my spirit and humor and love of living, the things I believed made my soul human and vibrant.

See Scott run, Run Scott run. See Scott die, No such luck.

Since there was no teacher listed for lunch, I grabbed a pen and wrote Mr. E Meat.