Quotes About Humor

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?

God created whiskey to keep the Irish from taking over the world.

If God didn't want us to eat cows, why are they made out of meat?

Thank God I'm an atheist.

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

I live for now, not for what happens after I die. I'm going to hell, not heaven. The devil has all the good gear. What's God got? The Inspiral Carpets and nuns.

I went through every phone book in Africa, and I didn't find one god damned Pryor!

Question: How do you know you're God? Answer: Simple. When I pray to him, I find I'm talking to myself.

Thank God, I am still an atheist.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk.

If there is a God, why did he make me an atheist?

I think Balanchine and Robbins talk to God and when I call, he's out to lunch.

On the seventh day God rested. His grandchildren must have been out of town.

We almost made it to thirty seconds without an insult. I think we set a new record.

You ever wonder when God's coming back with a lot of barbecue sauce?

After God created the world, He made man and woman. Then, to keep the whole thing from collapsing, He invented humor.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

We aim to please... You aim too, please.

I'm officially middle-aged. I don't need drugs anymore, thank God. I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast.