Quotes About Humor

sixty miles north of Bluestem, as the crow flies, or eighty miles, if the crow were driving a pickup.

I'm talking to a guy who says he was taken up in a flying saucer and had sexual experiments done on him - which, I got to say, is probably the only sexual experiments he's ever had done on him, that didn't involve a heifer.

Smalls looked around the office and asked, "Where do you want me to stick the shovel?

Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills,'" Virgil said, quoting Napoleon Dynamite.

David Birkmann? I can't believe it. It's like saying a duck did it.

I'm a picture of abject fear. If I had my choice between flying to El Paso or getting a colonoscopy, I'd have to think about it.

HADEN WAS WEARING SWEATPANTS and a T-shirt, with flip-flops, his hair wet from a shower, and Virgil said, "I don't want to hear about it. I'm so horny the light socket ain't safe.

the guy could fall in a barrel of titties and come out suckin' his thumb.

It's a mixed crowd at the dogs - black, white, hispanic - but to Walt they all look like Jackie Gleason. Heavyset guys with big plans and polyester souls.

I tried being a vegan for a while, but I couldn't live without cheese." "They have vegan cheese." "No, they don't. They have shredded orange and white sadness that mocks cheese and everything it stands for.

The good news is I peed before going to sleep.

Colonel, I'm giving you a direct order. Eat the fucking cookie.

Dirk Moeller didn't know if he could fart his way into a major diplomatic incident. But he was ready to find out.

Q'eeng had just attempted in the third dialect the traditional rightward schism greeting of "I offer you the bread of life," but his phrasing and accent had transmuted the statement into "Let us violate cakes together.

Which is why Mom, when she's being indiscreet, refers to the trophy room as the "vet's office." Because that's where Dad brings people to take their balls.

In one hand I have a restraining order, and in the other I have a Taser. Which would you like to meet first?

You have no idea how difficult it was for me to not say, 'Welcome to Jurassic Park!' to all of you just now.

The idea of spending another six hours with Leon and his farts was more than I could take.

Breakfast was amazing, and I say that having been married to a woman who could make a breakfast spread that would have made Gandhi stop a fast.

Wes is Wes," Alastair said. "One in every family. I love him, but I think of him as a sarcastic pet.

Go ahead and eat all you want, but avoid excessively fatty foods, since one of these is going to tell your body to purge fats in a way that absolutely challenges normal sphincter control." "That's . . . not great." "It's a mess. Seriously, don't even think about trying to fart for the next eighteen hours. It's not a fart. You will regret it.

I served with that son of a bitch, Corporal. Ruiz wouldn't compliment his mother for giving birth to him, if you know what I mean.

Christ on a Popsicle stick.

If knew you were going to drug me, kidnap me, and take me back to the dark ages with out my pants, I never would have slept with you.