Quotes About Humor

The Scooby gang doesn't travel because they are looking for crimes to solve. They travel because they're one step ahead of the deprogrammers. Somehow, Fred's got them all snookered. It probably has something to do with the Scooby Snacks.

There's nothing like sharing menarche with a billion hermaphrodites. I think it was everyone's first time.

When I was twelve, my appendix burst, and as they were wheeling my ass into the operating room, I asked the doctor, "How will this affect my piano playing?" and he said, "Don't worry, you'll still be able to play the piano," and I said, "Wow! I wasn't able to before!" And then they gassed me.

They have vegan cheese. No, they don't. They have shredded orange and white sadness that mocks cheese and everything it stands for.

Oh, God," I said. "Thank you so very much for the mental image of Dad as a teenage sack of hormones. That's the sort of image that takes therapy to get rid of.

Oh for God's sake how divine can I be? My feet hurt, I have gas and I need to pee.

You came to see me about something?" "Yes, ma'am. A lawyer is here." "Toss him out a window." "Her, actually, I think." "So toss her out, then. Equally defenestratable.

Because every time I think of starships skipping across the galaxy, I imagine Albert Einstein in a policeman's uniform, writing up a ticket.

This is my first time working with a human," Werd said, to Wilson. "How's it going so far?" Wilson asked. "Not bad," Werd said. "You're kind of ugly, though." "I get that a lot," Wilson said. "I bet you do," Werd said. "I won't hold it against you." "Thanks," Wilson said. "But if you smell, I'm pushing you out an airlock," Werd said.

Who are you, who is so wise in the way of alien fungus?

Enzo showed a flair for words early and wrote his first story when he was seven, entitled The horrible sock that smelled bad and ate Pomona Falls except for my house, in which a large sock, mutated by its own horrible unwashed smell, started eating its way through the contents of an entire town and was thwarted only when the heroes Enzo and Magdy first punched it into submission and then threw it into a swimming pool filled with laundry soap.

But then he tripped and one of the land worms ate his face and he died anyway.

Who are you and what medications aren't you taking?

The ientcio wishes to inform you that we have indeed received those messages from SETI and have found them … amusing is probably the best word. Television is much more interesting.

Which reminds me that you'll be searched on both ends of your journey, on both ends of your body. Sorry, that was a nonnegotiable." Nadashe shrugged. "I was groped worse in college." "I don't know what to do with that information.

Angrily consume your bacon on the toilet, is my advice.

She said that we could all fuck ourselves with a rented dick. The same rented dick." "That's my mom," Kiva said.

Whoever had my room last left a big pile of poopfruit on my desk, Niamh yelled, from their room. Seriously, what the actual fuck?

Hello, Anon-a-Writer! In one hand I have a restraining order, and in the other I have a Taser. Which would you like to meet first?

You're insane! Call me HAL and make me sing 'Daisy, Daisy'.

The failure mode of clever is 'asshole.

I could be happy never talking about tiny skin mites ever again," I said. "They come out when you sleep, you know." "I do now, thanks for that.

in a decade you'll be eighty-five, and then the only difference between you and a raisin will be that while you're both wrinkled and without a prostate, the raisin never had a prostate to begin with.

Not a very original title," I said. "Well, physicists save their imagination for other things." Harry chuckled.