Quotes About Humor

When the radio was on, music has stimulated memory of times and places, complete with characters and stage sets, memories so exact that every word of dialogue is recreated. And I have projected future scenes, just as complete and convincing--scenes that will never take place. I've written short stories in my mind, chuckling at my own humor, saddened or stimulated by structure or content.

Don't ever ask directions of a Maine native," I was told. "Why ever not?" "Somehow we think it is funny to misdirect people and we don't smile when we do it, but we laugh inwardly. It is our nature." I wonder if that is true. I could never test it, because through my own efforts I am lost most of the time without any help from anyone.

She stepped around in front of him and stopped him. "You look here, mister. You kiss me now." "Why?" She said slowly, "So everybody will know that I'm Mrs. Lettuce-head.

So in our pride we ordered for breakfast an omelet, toast and coffee and what has just arrived is a tomato salad with onions, a dish of pickles, a big slice of watermelon and two bottles of cream soda.

Henry liked fun and avoided when he could any solemn or serious matter, for he confused these with sorrow.

laughter at yourself comes last of all in a mad race with death

Swedes up in Dakota—know what they do sometimes? Put pepper on the floor. Gits up the ladies' skirts an' makes 'em purty lively—lively as a filly in season. Swedes do that sometimes." In

I seen her beat the hell out of a tin peddler with a live chicken one time 'cause he give her a argument. She had the chicken in one han', an' the ax in the other, about to cut its head off. She aimed to go for that peddler with the ax, but she forgot which hand was which, an' she takes after him with the chicken. Couldn' even eat that chicken when she got done. They wasn't nothing but a pair a legs in her han'. Grampa throwed his hip outa joint laughin'. How'd my folks go so easy?

Smiled with amusement at the myths of these country boys.

Laughter comes later, like wisdom teeth, and laughter at yourself comes last of all in a mad race with death, and sometimes it isn't in time." Her

My wife is a wonderful woman," he said in a kind of peroration. "Most wonderful woman. Ought to of been a man. If she was a man I wouldn't of married her." He laughed a long time over that and repeated it three or four times and resolved to remember it so he could tell it to a lot of other people.

Laughter comes later, like wisdom teeth, and laughter at yourself comes last of all in a mad race with death, and sometimes it isn't in time.

He was an arithmetician rather than a mathematician. None of the humor, the music, or the mysticism of higher mathematics ever entered his head. Men might vary in height or weight or color, just as 6 is different from 8, but there was little other difference.

Seen any new etchin's lately, Bill? Well, here's one. Now, you be careful front of a lady. Oh, this ain't bad. Little kid comes in late ta school. Teacher says, "Why ya late?" Kid says, "Had a take a heifer down—get 'er bred." Teacher says, "Couldn't your ol' man do it?" Kid says, "Sure he could, but not as good as the bull.

I stepped out of the elevator, put the briefcase in a stray dog's mouth and told him to stay, then thought better of it and put the briefcase back in the elevator.

I noticed that. And if you ever lay your head on my back again while your riding bitch I'll throw you into traffic. ~Woody Stevens - John Travolta - Wild Hogs

Cunt would be a good flavor of ice cream, Sealtest ought to work on it.

Ruth was funny. Her bowling was awful; she just sort of paddled up to the line and dropped the ball. Plok.

My poor dumb mutt of a wife throws a better piece of ass backwards than you can manage frontwards

If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where to return Mondays!

Nobody likes a bore on a soapbox. Humor is always the best defense and weapon. If you can make an idiot laugh, they'll at least pause and listen before they do something stupid . . . to you.

With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet!

Why is Mommy crying?" the young boy asks his dad, all sugared up and bewildered with concern. "Because you're an asshole," barks back the father with exasperated logic.

Everyone's sex life is funny except your own. Every person's is, and yours never is. The lengths people go to — and the extremes and the conditions and the mental exercises and guilt and shame and happiness that everybody goes through — and what they'll do for sex is never-ending and mind-boggling and very interesting to me. And I don't think a lot of times people choose any of it.