Quotes About Humor

I'm a cat person. I have two giant cats [Harry and Arturo] that I call the small panthers. They're like 17 pounds each-they're big boys! Every photo on my phone is of them doing something funny.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

It's looks like someone slapped you in the face with a fruit roll-up or something!

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much... ...Monogamy ? It's the same.

Somewhere around the place I've got an unfinished short story about Schrodinger's Dog; it was mostly moaning about all the attention the cat was getting.

Hollywood wants to make women so perfect. Perfect hair. Perfect job. Perfect manners... I know some of the most beautiful women, and they are so weird. That's what makes them funny and captivating.

When I was a kid, I used to watch 'Laurel and Hardy' with my cousins all the time. I still think they're extremely funny and so surreal.

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

I try to find a way to make it comfortable or interesting or funny to me.

The only job worse is a javelin catcher at a track - and - field meet.

I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

When you do comedy in front of an audience, they are the ones who tell you whether it's funny or not and which bits are funny and which bits need to be fixed.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

Edmonton is not the end of the world but you can certainly see it from there.

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

Maybe I think you're cute and funny. Maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you, if you know what I mean.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

Tell me I'm beautiful, it's nothing. Tell me I'm intellectual - I know it. Tell me I'm funny and it's the greatest compliment in the world anyone could give me.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.