Quotes About Humor

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

I'm not at all funny. I can do dark comedy pretty well, but straight-up comedy, I don't know. I'm much darker. I've been like that since I was 3 years old

My friend "M" says the irony of being a zombie is that everything is funny, but you can't smile, because your lips have rotted off.

Most people named Willie are either in prison or on the armwrestling circuit.

Chris Elliott could read the phonebook and he's funny.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

I gave (pitcher) Mike Cuellar more chances than I gave my first wife.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

I always thought it's way more important to be funny or to be honest than to look any certain way

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.

If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

I was born with a priceless gift, the ability to laugh at the misfortunes of others.

I miss being able to wake up when I want and go on stage when I want and pull down my pants when I want.

Only one way to cover a story like this, and make that a double, bartender, please.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.