Quotes About Humor

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days to put it out.

You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man's rib; she was really made from his funny bone.

I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection. She pulled a switchblade on me.

I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh, goodnight.

There is something to me very softening in the presence of a woman, some strange influence, even if one is not in love with them, which I cannot at all account for, having no very high opinion of the sex. But yet, I always feel in better humor with myself and every thing else, if there is a woman within ken.

Something that has not been said about the moon? That it gives manicures to women sleepwalkers.

Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em.

CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

Womens humor is part of the revolution.

That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average.

People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women.

I like my wine like my women...ready to pass out.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

God's great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live together in marriage.

I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.