Quotes About Humor

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: 'My dad owns a liquor store.'

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.

Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that's Ok!

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.

That is the best -- to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)

When a young man complains that a young lady has no heart, it's pretty certain that she has his

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.

Love is the remedy of all problems, misunderstandings become jokes, insults become humor, a perfect relationship.

Two red blood cells met and fell in love. But alas, it was in vein.

All it takes is a teaspoon of humor, a tablespoon full of confidence, a scoop of perseverance and a full glass of honesty, love and care. Mix it gently under warm temperature, and you'll be baking the perfect woman in your life...like I have.

This is what happened in love. One of you cried a lot and then both of you grew sarcastic.

I often took him as one of God's little jokes on me. When I was in desperate trouble, what saved me from a fate worse than death? To what do I owe my life? Was it love, affection, understanding, friends, wisdom? No no no. It was a man who looks like a poor copy of Walt Disney, drives pink Cadillacs, wears baby-blue alligator shoes, and appears to have the emotional depth of a slightly retarded potato.

Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.

People kept on calling. At first Armando told them that Jeff was in the bathroom. Then, when people started telling him that Jeff was in the bathroom a lot, he started telling them that Jeff had Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Then Washbourg gave his iphone to Ibi as he walked up to the severed head, grinned, and said "Watch this." Then, he proceeded to kick the severed head 30 yards to his left between two camels and shouted "Goal!