Quotes About Humor

If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive...take her to the gas station.

Saying I don't take my meds because they make me feel funny. Is like cannibals saying they don't eat clowns because the taste funny.

I dont mind ketchup on my hot dog, as long as the bun is tight.

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.

Every gay guys GPS system would tell him to Go straight. haha

I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke.

When I have children I am going to make them watch the movie 2012 and tell them I survived that like a Boss!

My graduation speech: I would like to thank wikipedia, copy and paste. I'm out peeps.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'

When a woman says nothing's wrong that means everything is wrong and when a woman says everything's wrong that means everything is wrong. - Homer Simpson

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they cant have a headache and sex at the same time?

When I tried to do a search for marital advise on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.

I haven't had that many women - only as many as I could lay my hands on.

Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A wit should be no more sincere than a woman constant.

I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Every time I read where some woman gave a short talk I wonder how she stopped.