Quotes About Humor

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Wal-mart... do they like make walls there?

Did you buy your pants on sale? Cause in my room they'd be 100% off.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks

People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world.

When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you??

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said: How the hell did you get in here?

Myspace is my ex husband, Facebook is my baby daddy, Twitter is my ho and I'm in a serious relationship with Instagram.

If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.

That awkward moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto-correct is like 'I got nothing, man.'

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'