Quotes About Humor

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

I never said most of the things I said.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I like children - fried.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.