Quotes About Humor

I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.

A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

So a man jumps into a taxi and says King Arthur's close and the taxi driver says, don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Weve all met people who are supposedly incredibly intelligent but dont know which way to sit on a lavatory.

A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George!

Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, theyve seen me laugh, and theyve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

Of course, it's very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I love gentiles. In fact, on of my favorite activities is Protestant spotting.

People tell me that Senator Edwards got picked for his good looks, his sex appeal, and his great hair. I say to them, 'How do you think I got the job?

Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.

I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bi....