Quotes About Humor

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are ALWAYS funny.

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.

So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said My dog's died.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. You see the trouble is he's very old fashioned. When he gives you an injection you have to bite on a bullet.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

Last christmas my sister, Geri, gave me a lovely Cloth calendar. It only took me 5 hours to sew in a Doctor's appointment...

I once made love to a female clown, and she twisted my penis into a poodle.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.