Quotes About Humor

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

Continental people have sex lives; the English have hot-water bottles.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying.

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.

When I came here, I couldn't speak a word of English, but my sex life was perfect. Now my English is perfect but my sex life is rubbish.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.

I've got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: Hello, goodbye, and I'm pregnant.

In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.