Quotes About Humor

When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.

A man explained inflation to his wife thus: 'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for I'd that he just whipped out a quarter?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I'm as pure as the driven slush.

I'm a one-man idiot.

Breasts like granite and a brain like swiss cheese.

He's the kind of guy that when he dies, he's going up to heaven and give God a bad time for making him bald.

Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking 'Do you want fries with that?'

While he was talking at Baylor University, President Bush said, Times are kind of tough. He also pointed out that Bill Gates is kind of rich, that water is kind of wet, and that Elvis is kind of dead.

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

He must be the only man alive who can eat an apple through a tennis racket.

Joan Collins unfortunately can't be with us tonight. She's busy attending the birth of her next husband.

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.

I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.

In the end, everything is a gag.

They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us, but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with a higher grade of manure.

The rain forest has Sting. Now Siberia has Jack Dee. Someone had to draw the short straw. In this case it was the rain forest.

I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician.