Quotes About Humor

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Age is not important unless you're a cheese.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Middle age is when a guy keeps turning off lights for economical rather than romantic reasons.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable.

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.

I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.

I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.

I saw a notice that said Drink Canada Dry and I've just started.

The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.