Quotes About Humor

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love

One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet

A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend - provided, of course, that he really is dead.

A man of forty today has nothing to worry him but falling hair, inability to button the top button, failing vision, shortness of breath, a tendency of the collar to shut off all breathing, trembling of the kidneys to whatever tune the orchestra is playing, and a general sense of giddiness when the matter of rent is brought up. Forty is Life's Golden Age.

How the hell should I know? Most of the people my age are dead. You could look it up.

I have always paid income tax. I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age - which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday.

I know of nothing more laughable than a doctor who does not die of old age.

At my age flowers scare me.

At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.