Quotes About Humor

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

Lost a planet Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks like He rushed it.

Sometimes I'm so sweet even I can't stand it.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.