Quotes About Humor

Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing at it.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

I write for Reader's Digest. It's not hard. All you do is copy out an article and mail it in again.

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.