Quotes About Humor

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

Mum comes in and says 'I'm working out,' and she'll just be standing there naked doing a dance.

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'

I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.

How young can you die of old age?

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Whenever the talk turns to age, I say I am 49 plus VAT.

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.

I'm affectionately known by Elton John as either Sylvia Disc or the Bionic Christian.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

I'm so old they've canceled my blood type.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

One man's folly is another man's wife.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Never floss with a stranger.

Never fight an inanimate object.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.