Quotes About Humor

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

You should give up sarcasm. People could get the wrong idea about you.

They don't get any skinnier after you marry them.

Dad sometimes patted me on the knee and called me his Little Schmuck.

If I gave up sarcasm that would leave interpretive dance as my only way of communicating.

You know its going to be a bad day when you are having a prostate examination and you feel both of your doctor's hands on your shoulders!

What if I become a lawyer?' 'Please don't do that,' says Ruiz. 'Why not?' 'They're like monkeys who get dressed up and fling poo at each other.

I'm so short I tread water in the kiddie pool. I need a ladder to get to the bottom bunk. I hit my head on the ground when I sneeze. I need a running start to reach the toilet. And no, I'm not related to Tom Cruise.

Why do people always talk about how fast a car can get from naught to sixty? I mean, what's the big deal about sixty miles an hour? It's like people think aliens are going to land and only be able to do fifty-nine. They'll suck out our brains unless we can do naught to sixty in less than ten seconds.

Giggling like schoolgirls we dry our hair. Meg looks like Andie McDowell in Four Weddings and a Funeral . I look like Janet Leigh in Psycho before the knife starts shredding the shower curtain.

life is a three-course meal occasionally seasoned with shit but still edible.

When you hear a good joke, this is the system that kicks in and produces the giggly face.

As we Italians say, the husband is like the government at Rome, all pomp; the wife is like the mafia, all power.

Do I look like I watch Star Trek?

Don't be creative. Don't be stupid." "That's what Machiavelli said. You guys really have a lot of faith in me, don't you?" "Neither one of us wants to lose you. Just be careful, Billy. Careful is my middle name." Black Hawk rolled his eyes. "You told me it was Henry.

Then I'll go keep our crocodile friends busy." Niten's teeth flashed in a smile. "I'll try to leave a few for you." He stepped away and faded into the night. "Be careful," Prometheus called. A disembodied voice drifted out of the fog. "I was born for this. What's the worst that could happen?" "You could be killed and eaten by the Spartoi." "Doesn't frighten me.

Josh started to laugh at his sister and then immediately reconsidered. "I guess I wouldn't be surprised if it did.

Rara era la vez que lloraba, incluso en el final de Titanic se rio a carcajada limpia. ¿Por qué lloraba ahora?

A lot of my humor centers on the act of telling jokes and I think this can prevent certain audiences from suspending their feeling of disbelief. It might piss a few people off, but I can't help it.

Happy birthday – you're about to get shot in the face, bitchacho!" Someone

What if grasshoppers had machine guns? Birds would be fucked!

Uncle sipped some tea. "Ugh! This tea is nothing more than hot leaf juice!" "Uncle, that's what all tea is," I pointed out. "How could a member of my own family say something so horrible?" Uncle said.

i swear to God, that was the question. Sometimes, I think there's someone up there just sitting around thinking of ways to make me look like a complete moron. Seriously, I bet there's an angel or more likely a demon assigned just to me. And every day it gets up and asks itself what it can do to ruin my life. well, today it got an A plus

I loved Jerry, and I wanted to have his baby." She laughed. "This was before women started looking at their vaginas in hand mirrors and Gloria Steinem told us we could be more than just mothers.