Quotes About Humor

I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It'll be a great conversation starter.

I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.

Love means never having to say you're sorry for a minor stab wound.

As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, "Self Storage," and I thought, "I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit.

When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, Thanks for being a fan." Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.

My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster.

I want to write a book about shoes that's full of footnotes.

When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.

This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.

Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.

I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.

I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.

I'm very close to my dad. He's about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.

The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I've never had the good.

I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it's simply called Job.

I'm not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.

I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.

More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I'd like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement

I did a shoot for 'Sports Illustrated ' and my grandpa called me and asked when my issue of 'Playboy' was coming out. It was hilarious as well as embarrassing.

I don't think I really have any wisdom. Stay out of trouble. Good luck. Stay away from women because they will burn you, haha.

The thing about For Better or Worse is the only thing that made me an okay director for that is that I have a sense of humor, and it was supposed to be funny.

Let me tell you: Theroux would shit himself.

People often make the mistake of believing that profound quotes were intended to be all-encompassing. Anti-proverbs, while comical, do not necessarily diminish the insight gained from words of wisdom.

My dad was in the army so we moved around a lot and I changed schools every year and had to make new friends, and I found that if I was the funny guy I could do that easier.