Quotes About Humor

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That's how I knew she really loved me.

My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don't get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.

To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.

I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.

We can't be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you're a lady, and I'm a gentleman, I'll shave mine off.

When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.

If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.

I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.

If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.

I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.

I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn't it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?

The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him.

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now." But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast.

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob.

If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I'd have 50 cents. That's assuming drag queens are half price.

Yesterday I saved a baby, a boy, a man, and an old man from death, and all by simply not impregnating anybody. But I don't consider myself a hero. Merely heroic, and also unable to reach any of my lady friends on the phone.

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I'm also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.

Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.

I like to call in sick to work at places where I've never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don't work there, I tell them I'd like to. But not today, as I'm sick.

I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don't think my bathtub can hold that many people.

The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I'd be OK.

I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell" all the time.

From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.

The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn't around to propose to her.