Quotes About Humor

If you bury your face in your tear-stained pillow and beg God to please send you your soul mate, may you not slur your words in such a way that they sound like "cell mate."

So let us all who pray ask for what most of them need badly, a sense of humor to lighten their way through life, making it merrier for themselves and easier for others.

Oh Lord please don't burn us don't kill or toast your flock. Don't put us on the barbecue or simmer us in stock. Don't bake or baste or boil us or stir-fry us in a wok.

A good laugh is as good as a prayer sometimes.

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

Prayer never works for me on the golf course. That may have something to do with my being a terrible putter.

Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer.

In certain trying circumstances urgent circumstances desperate circumstances profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.

From silly devotions and from sour-faced saints good Lord deliver us.

My pain may be the reason for somebody's laugh. But my laugh must never be the reason for somebody's pain.

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

She Got The Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft.

I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.

You're 40 and he's 22. Do you have to marry him? Couldn't you just adopt him?

The fun, joy, and humor dry up in a relationship when one of the partners is swimming in gin. To my way of thinking, it is selfishness personified to see life through the bottom of a liquor bottle.

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.

I'm not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it, I don't know when I lost it, I don't really think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job...and I don't want it!

My secret to having a happy relationship is having a sense of humour and giving one another space: your own space.