Quotes About Humor

[Of bisexuality:] It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife–a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Well, freedom is wonderful. On the other hand, if you're dead, it's a tremendous drawback to your sex life.

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, and she said "No."

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, "Be fruitful, and multiply." But not in those words.

Yes, but–as empty experiences go–it's one of the best!

My brain? It's my second favorite organ.

I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and, if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said "no."

Two hundred and four if you count my marriage.

I don't believe in the after life, although I'm bringing a change of underwear.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

He [the psychiatrist] said, well, do I think that sex is dirty and I said: "It is if you're doing it right."

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful — provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "No."

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

As the poet said, "only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.