Quotes About Humor

Many a beauty in her own room behaves repulsively till one splits one's sides.

What ho!" I said. "What ho!" said Motty. "What ho! What ho!" "What ho! What ho! What ho!" After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.

There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

What's even worse than a flute? - Two flutes!

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

People always ask me, Do you ever think you'll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur to me--it's an odd thought and not realistic. Because funny and me are not separate. We're one.

I'm not a drinker -- my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Sam and I go way back to when he was a young coroner starting out and used to perform autopsies at weddings an sweet sixteens for cigarette money.

Last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end. But ... but ... think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.

My relationship with death remains the same -- I'm strongly against it.

I think that the tendency for most people is to fall back on a comic interpretation of things -- because things are so sad, so terrible. If you didn't laugh you'd kill yourself.

Some guy hit my car fender the other day, and I said unto him, "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

Hey listen -- I've proved a lot of things. That's how I pay my rent. Theories and little observations. A puckish remark now and then. Occasional maxims. It beats picking olives, but let's not get carried away.

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.

Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

When I was a little boy, I wanted a dog desperately, and we had no money. My parents got me an ant. I called it "Spot." Coming home late one night, Sheldon Finklestein tried to bully me. Spot was with me; I said "Kill!" and Sheldon stepped on my dog.

Sex and death. Two things that come once in a lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous.