Quotes About Humor

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out my nose.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Imagine that; you survive the apocalypse, the scourge of Satan, the wrath of Jesus, and your first order of business is to bust a nut." "I'm not surprised. Humans were never good at prioritizing," I replied,

Ah fuck, he's going to gnaw my arm off; I'm losing a limb. I can't go through life with one arm. I mean, fuck, I'm already a hideous rodent with no game," he said, sniffling. "I'll be a wobbly, off-balanced dipshit who lost his arm to an ass. And not even the good type of ass. "Are you crying?" "No, no, I have sweat in my eyes," he explained as the donkey's tongue kept licking his face.

I like poems where you don't really know whether to laugh or cry when you read them.