Quotes About Humor

The man who greeted her on the sidewalk was named Hank Kowalski. He was bald and had the eyes of a man whose favorite joke is just a shrieking child falling down a flight of stairs.

Fred nodded and said, "So what you're saying is, if we all die, that's not even the worst-case scenario." John replied, "I'd still like to shoot a little higher than that, Freddy.

The bathroom was clean. Well, not clean, but there were no corpses in there.

You have to talk through the bratwurst from now on.

I closed my eyes and let out a breath that smelled like I'd eaten an entire wet dog and washed it down with sweat wrung from a hobo's undershirt.

I don't know how they catch the birds. I know the Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider can't fly because if it could, it would have a different name entirely. We would call it "sir" because it would be the dominant species on the planet. None of us would leave the house unless a Goliath Fucking Flying Bird-Eating Spider said it was okay.

I bet his real name is Chad, he looks like one.

When they write the sequel to the Bible, that shit is definitely gonna be in there.

THE SAFE HOUSE" was our code name for Denny's.

After a moment I realized it was simply Fred Durst and the group Limp Bizkit—Shitload's favorite band. They're the ones who invented the musical technique of feeding a list of generic rap phrases to a goat, then reading its turds into a microphone over heavy metal guitar.

My hair looked like I had combed it with an angry cat.

I was hammered by either a flying body tackle or an unnecessarily aggressive hug.

No matter who you are or where you're from, we can all look upon the raw, energetic creations of children and agree that they are very shitty artists.

John and I have made this stuff our hobby, in the way that an especially attractive prisoner makes a hobby out of not getting raped.

And so, feeling like men trying to work a jigsaw puzzle blindfolded and using only our butt cheeks to grip the pieces, we left.

With a bassy thump and a smell like burnt sulfur, Shitload farted himself far into the air.

He then wrestled away the man's gun and "dick-whipped" him with it. I am unclear as to whether or not this means he struck the man in the groin or merely slapped him in the same manner in which he would slap a person with his dick.

And don't put a bunch of bullshit in my mouth, or get cute and try to make me look stupid. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the salon to have my pubic hair straightened and dyed white so that my dick looks like Santa Claus." He closed the door, farting loudly all the way to his car. I went

He stared at the gadget in his hand and said, "So it's a magnet for cats? Hey! It's a pussy mag—

John says the men threw him down and intended to execute him, at which point he kicked one of the men in the face and backflipped to his feet. He then wrestled away the man's gun and "dick-whipped" him with it. I am unclear as to whether or not this means he struck the man in the groin or merely slapped him in the same manner in which he would slap a person with his dick.

What's up. This is Dave, the one you saw in your hallway. He's not a psychotic killer or anything," he lied

John glanced around, half expecting to see a disheveled Dave pulling himself up from some spot on the floor. He'd be squinting, his hair matted down, looking like he'd just been shit out of a dinosaur.

On his way out he turned and said, "And don't put a bunch of bullshit in my mouth, or get cute and try to make me look stupid. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the salon to have my pubic hair straightened and dyed white so that my dick looks like Santa Claus." He closed the door, farting loudly all the way to his car.

was desperate to see what would show up but this was her bedroom and I suppose she had a reasonable fear of two creepy males clicking through shots of her dressing and doing the things girls do alone in their bedrooms. Lighting farts or whatever.