Quotes About Humor

Jesus, what did you have for breakfast? A bowl of Honey Bunches of Bitch?

What do you think my chances are there?" she asked. "Maybe he has a geriatric kink," I said, shaking out my napkin. "Dab a little Metamucil behind each ear and go get him, cougar." "No, no," Mary Alice corrected. "She's too old to be a cougar. She's a saber-tooth tiger.

Plans are jokes written by men for God's amusement.

What in the name of Satan's arsehole is that?" he demanded. "The genitals of a very healthy young man," I told him, waving the phallus-shaped lamp.

sausages. Behind

When Gilchrist and Sweeney aren't debating the odds of getting Goldie Hawn into bed, they are trying to stump each other with film quotes.

I was just reaching for my knitting needles when Mary Alice gripped my arm. "Play nice," she murmured. "I wasn't going to kill him," I muttered back. "But a little light stabbing might teach him some manners." "Focus on the job. I'll trip him when we get inside," she promised. "That's real friendship," I told her.

Here, Mary Alice. Drink this and I'll see if I can find you a flashlight." Mary Alice furrowed her brow. "Flashlight?" "To find the stick up your ass. Let me know if you need a hand getting it out," Natalie said sweetly.

Scabbard?" I guessed. "Penis warmer," she told me.

What is it about hairdressers? You tell them 'not too short' and some part of their hairdresser brain hears this as 'whack the shit out of it.' If you never say, 'not too short,' everything is fine. You say it, & it's a guarantee you'll come out ready for the military>

Sometimes you're sure dogs have some secret, superior intelligence, and other times you know they're only their simple, goofy selves.

Ah. Falling in love is such a magical time." "We just met, Damian. I'm not in love." Damian laughs. "I am going to have you clean the stables today, since you are already so full of shit.

I may be nervous," I say. "Okay, I'm really glad you said that, because I just went to the back room to put on more deodorant." Sebastian says.

Hundreds,' Joe says. 'Hundreds and hundreds. But then again, I'm old.' So old, Jesus was in your math class,' I say. I crack myself up.

But, dear God, don't listen to me. I'm an old lady in the middle of nowhere without a real toilet.

Fate's got a fucking sick sense of humor. Fate is a shape-shifter. It's the kindest and most generous entity imaginable, laying out more goodness than a person deserves, and then it shrinks and curls and forms into something grotesque. You think its one thing, but then its another.

Holy Christ fate's got a fucking sick sense of humor " he chuckled.

Men are trouble" "Amen to that." Peach said. "You were happily married for fifty years," Miz June said, "I don't understand why you are agreeing." "He Left Me." Peach said "He DIED." "Same thing.

Comedians are people who embarrass themselves in style.

The madder it makes you, the harder you need to laugh at it.

Never take life too seriously, you're never getting out of it alive.

We are getting older fatter and balder. Each day brings us one step closer to death. Other than that, life's a ding-a-derry.

Always remember rule #6... don't take yourself so damn seriously

My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!