Quotes About Humor

And have you ever heard the old human saying, 'I want to shoot you so bad, my dick's hard'?

She thanked the toilet, but it did not respond. That was good—if she started to think of it as a sentient being, it would probably be much harder to poop in its mouth.

My butt cheeks clenched to tightly that not even light could have escaped

MCWONGALD'S—SHIT LUNCH TURDWOMAN

TACO STORM? • FAKE ALIEN INVASION? NUCLEAR BOMB? • ECHO HACKS AND/OR SEDUCES SOMETHING • DEFACE THE FIRE AND ICE (DONGS?) • CATS CATS CATS • GET MOLECH BACK HERE (FART RAY?) • WILL WORKS HIS MAGIC (LIKE IN "THE RINGMASTER")

OH SON OF A MOTHERFUCK THE FUCKING SOY SAUCE IS DIGGING A FUCKING HOLE INTO MY FUCKING FACE.

Type of guy whose life had gone exactly as he'd expected it. I bet he'd never shot a delivery guy with a crossbow even once.

What did the mystic say to the hot dog vendor?" Sophia's eyebrows pulled together. "I don't know, Isaiah, what did the mystic say?" "Make me one with everything.

I think up until the point when we started in the business, which was in the early '70s, most of the humor was political. The smart humor was political satire.

I am not the only parent in the history of the planet to have their asses handed to them by something they could fit in a purse.

I offered her the benefit of my company this New Year's Eve, but informed her that as of midnight I should much like to insist that she refers to me as Master Oscar at all times. For that is whom I am, and I can't stress enough the importance of being Oscar.

As long as I can make them laugh, it doesn't matter how, I'll be all right. If I succeed in that, the human beings probably won't mind it too much if I remain outside their lives. The one thing I must avoid is becoming offensive in their eyes: I shall be nothing, the wind, the sky.

What I'am learning is the world laughs through its ass every day, then just lies double-time when shit goes down. It's like we're on a Pritikin diet of fucken lies. I mean - what kind of fucken life is this?

It Takes 17 Muscles To Smile and 42 To Frown...It Takes Only 13 Muscles to Throw A Molotov Cocktail

The only sound I'd like to hear from a Motivational Speaker is a death rattle

I like to deal with EVERY aspect of our condition, and that means terror and humor in equal mix. Some books have more room for humor than others.

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.

an orange potato trolls the White House. If you didn't wake up screaming, you didn't wake up...

Mrs. Clutterthorpe, I can hardly think of any fate worse than becoming the mother of six. Unless perhaps it were plague, and even then I am persuaded a few disfiguring buboes and possible death would be preferable to motherhood.

Should I be in distress? In a meadow? You mean if the cows organize some sort of attack? I have extensive experience with cows. They almost never do that." "Forget

I sat down and put my fingertips to my temples, rubbing hard. "We have one fallen tree, one destroyed Rookery, one delusional butler and no good brandy. Is that what you are telling me?" "And the cook's down with piles and more than half the staff are suffering from catarrh," she added maliciously. I looked to Brisbane, who was smiling broadly. "God bless us, everyone," he said, spreading his arms wide.

Veronica to Stoker: "Does this mean you will stop torturing me by displaying yourself in various states of undress?

Mrs. Clutterthorpe, I can hardly think of any fate worse than becoming the mother of six ... unless perhaps it were plague.

It is seldom that a gentleman raises the subject of sewage so early in a conversation, I reflected.