Quotes About Humor

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to replace it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learning.

I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.

For me, the fiction writer's job is to take the small, stupid process of learning to use an iPhone - and suddenly you're the guy who's asking your daughter, "When I go on Facebook, can it see me?"

Can you be sure?" "I haven't spent the last fifteen hundred years learning how to knit my own socks, boy!" The crone looked like she might box Heinrich's ears, if she could reach them.

There are certain things I learned when I first started learning about acting, to try and place the character physically and emotionally. And the way you place them emotionally is often with humor.

I never particularly thought of myself as great with girls. I can be awkward, and I have a strange sense of humor at times. But I've also been learning to try and embrace that.

Jokes against the legal profession were what the legal profession loved most.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Life has become immeasurably better since I have been forced to stop taking it seriously.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

If you want to live a happy life, don't teach your wife how to drive a car or a motorcycle.

I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while.

I gave up drinking once -- it was the worst afternoon of my entire life.

If my life wasn't funny it would just be true, and that is unacceptable.

I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.

Life can be wildly tragic at times, and I've had my share. But whatever happens to you, you have to keep a slightly comic attitude. In the final analysis, you have got not to forget to laugh.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

All my life I've been a lady bruiser, a wrong chooser, school refuser, drug abuser, born loser; clothes bummy, nose runny, it wasn't funny

Lord, give me a sense of humor so that I may take some happiness from this life and share it with others.