Quotes About Humor

Dex was buckets full of awesome—he was allowed to have a redneck family member who wore his ass for a hat.

Hey, Mackey—how's your mom?" "I don't know—how's yours? She was looking okay when I left her this morning!" "I will fucking—" "You will? I'd like to see that. Wait. Nobody would like to see that. Suggest something else." "Oh God—

God, two concussions in a year. Ellery was going to make him wear a helmet to go to the bathroom, and Jackson would totally deserve it.

Except here!" Danny laughed. "Oh no, sweetheart. Felix and I are Rock Hudson-grade gay.

There was a lot of heart here, and a lot of joy of the game, but not a smidge of talent anywhere. And someone had wet their pants.

So why are we smacking me upside the hair-plugs?

Ellery made a mental note to buy Mike something really expensive and manly for Christmas. Like a tractor or truck nuts or a tool system made of adamantium

Oh, for fuck's sake. The Chevy Matiz—whose idea was it? Four doors, shaped like a shoe, and all the reliability of his grandmother's digestive tract. Whether she'd been constipated or had the runs, it was always ugly, and her mood had been to match.

You, uhm… I mean, I'm not going to step on the gas and find myself in the next county with a horse plastered on the grill, am I?

Benji grinned back. "You're being a real asshole today, Mr. Barnes. Well done—you been practicing?" Dad smiled, obviously relaxed. "Yeah, you know, kid, a few minutes a day, you can work that muscle with the best of them.

Kill me. Kill me now. "I, uhm, well, I haven't done anything that could get him pregnant?

You know, I never thought this would be a thing to put my money in, but I'm wondering if it's too late in life to invest in adult diapers.

I love tiny, plastic realistic food magnets. I don't know why. They're hilarious.

Well, spit on my empty grave--if it ain't the attack of the Disney princesses!

Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.

Improvisation is almost like the retarded cousin in the comedy world. We've been trying forever to get improvisation on TV. It's just like stand-up. It's best when it's just left alone. It doesn't translate always on TV. It's best live.

Both conservatives and liberals watch 'Parks and Recreation ' and they each think the show is for them, which is really cool. 'SNL' was totally different. It was exciting because everyone was paying attention. Political humor works when people know what you're talking about.

Emmy had turned so red that the woman laughed and said, "Well, I guess it's not blusher!

I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.

My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.

My father and I have a very good relationship. We always got along. But I always scold him.

Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.

I don't mind pointing out some of the failings of old age, because we are all headed in that direction, unless of course we take our own lives before we become a burden. I'm not advocating suicide, oh wait, I guess I am.

A good trick is to fill your medicine cabinet with marbles. Nothing announces a nosey guest better than an avalanche of marbles hitting a porcelain sink. Plus you'll know which guest is a junkie whore or gutter hype, and you'll know what else to hide. Count your stash or remove the labels from your prescription bottles.