Quotes About Humor

Oy with the poodles already!

My husband] can beat most anyone in Trivial Pursuit, but only because the game does not include questions like "Where is your wallet?

I mentioned how much I like the Magi, not only because they stop to ask for directions, but also because they are delightfully comic figures. They speak the truth, even when they do not realize the import of their words. I then compared them to Larry, Moe, and Curly (if these are unfamiliar people to you, ask someone over the age of seventy).

Good thing I'm aging, otherwise I'd be dead.

Uh, no loose wire jokes, okay?

Irony is the gaiety of reflection and the joy of wisdom.

Hugo est surréaliste quand il n'est pas bête.

Hugo est surréaliste quand il n'est pas bête.

When they hand me the trophy I think about vomiting into it

WARMING UP BEFORE THE MATCH, I pray. Not for a win, but for my hairpiece to stay on.

Le spun oamenilor c? nu m? uit la programe sportive. Nu-mi plac. Cum adic?? Adic?, nu-mi place sportul. Ei râd. Adic? nu-mi place niciun sport în afar? de tenis? Nu, tenisul îl ur?sc mai mult decât pe toate celelalte. Da, da, sigur c? e o glum?. Nu ai cum s? ur??ti tenisul. Ba da.

To be witty is not enough. One must possess sufficient wit to avoid having too much of it.

The waltz is a very important part of my life. It's a very important way for me to express my positiveness, bringing humor to the world.

Keep this up, Mrs. Collier, and I may have to kiss you.

I swear over everything from being woken up in the middle of the night to realizing I've left the wet clothes in the washer for three days. At this point, "fuck" isn't even a swear word anymore; sentences just don't sound right unless it's interspersed somewhere.

I'd like a cheese Bunza. French fries. A Dr Pepper --" "Oh, you're a Pepper?" "Yeah, I'm a Pepper. Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?" I can't help but laugh at this guy. He's actually funny. Kind of a surprise. I thought maybe he'd just be some hot lug-head jerk. But this? This is unfair. "And a shake." "Really?" "Yeah. A shake. Instead of Dr Pepper. Oh ... and you. I'd like a date with you. Saturday night.

Don't worry. We do not have to talk about. We are Russian. We do not talk about feelings all the time and no one has shrink." "I think you all have a shrink. And I think the shrink's name is vodka." This gets a smile out of both of them.

There is little success where there is little laughter.

Is that all I am to you? A source of amusement?

Behind the toilet, a sculpture of a penis urinated into a bowl after you flushed. Too much cock.

The universe is in fact the constantly reborn "child" of the lovemaking of the "Father" and "Mother," Shiva and Shakti, who at all moments dance in and out of, and merge with, each other's being with divine complexity, subtlety, passion, and ecstatic humor.

Witty people came out in autumn; beauties in July.

Oh—I discovered venereal warts on my ass last week. Had them burned off by Dr. Jones, in that VD Mill he runs on Lexington Avenue; if you went to him with a broken leg, he'd tell you it was syphilis—too too depressing/cheers.

When the American novelist Howard Sturgis lay on his deathbed he was cared for so solicitously by his life partner that at one point Sturgis had to remind him, "A watched pot never boils"—surely one of the wittiest comments ever made while dying, unless you consider what the socialite Drue Heinz said when nearing the end—"They won't even let you take a book"—or the emperor Vespasian, who remarked on his deathbed, "I think I am turning into a god.