Quotes About Humor

If you'd like to sit here and fume about Dempster or whatever else it is that's eating at you, I said, warming to my theme, feel free to go right ahead. I'll just head off home and spend the evening watching the snooker championships. It's not snooker season, actually, offered Colin, in a conciliatory way. Fine. Darts, then. Envisioning them thrown at my head? he asked ruefully. Despite myself, I smiled back. We were getting there.

My brother Toby , quoth she, is going to be married to Mrs. Wadman . —Then he will never, quoth my father, be able to lie diagonally in his bed again as long as he lives.

All womankind, from the highest to the lowest love jokes; the difficulty is to know how they choose to have them cut; and there is no knowing that, but by trying, as we do with our artillery in the field, by raising or letting down their breeches, till we hit the mark.

all I can say of the matter, is—That he has either a pumkin for his head—or a pippin for his heart,—and whenever he is dissected 'twill be found so.

Great wits jump

I like subordination, quoth my uncle Toby...

Aww, you know my verbal stingers are only poisoned with love

Sounds like you've got it all planned out. Honey, I've got more plans than Wes has ugly shoes. And that's a lot. I laugh. It sure is, she says with a sigh.

I want to make a memorial for our turkey. Never has a bird been so tortured to provide such a lousy dinner.

My English teacher has no face. She has uncombed stringy hair that droops on her shoulders. The hair is black from her part to her ears and then neon orange to the frizzy ends. I can't decide if she had pissed off her hairdresser or is morphing into a monarch butterfly. I call her Hairwoman.

I watch some kids ask the cafeteria ladies to sign their books. What do they write: Hope your chicken patties never bleed? Or, maybe, May your Jell-O always wiggle?

Death is funny, when you think about it. Everybody does it, but nobody knows how, exactly how.

I'd given him bits and pieces of my peculiar life, but colored softer and funnier than they had been. I'd painted my dad as Don Quixote in a semi, on a quest for philosophical truths and the best cup of coffee in the nation.

Wit is the most dangerous talent you can possess. It must be guarded with great discretion and good-nature, otherwise it will create you many enemies." —John Gregory A Father's Legacy to His Daughters , 1774

It was a prom dress.It was pink.It was originally seventy percent off,but Ma got it down to eighty-five percent off by screaming My water broke! while we were checking out

Some stand-up comic cracks, 'No, Melinda no es linda.' They call me Me-no-linda for the rest of the period. This is how terrorists get started, this harmless fun.

Neither one of them has toilet paper stuck to her boots. Where is the justice?

I get hosed in Spanish. 'Linda' means 'pretty' in Spanish. This is a great joke. Mrs. Spanish Teacher calls my name. Some stand-up comic cracks, 'No, Melinda no es linda.' They call me Me-no-linda for the rest of the period. This is how terrorists get started, this kind of harmless fun. I wonder if it's not too late to transfer to German.

Mother and Father apologize. They sing a show tune: 'What are we to do? What are we to do? She's so blue, we're just two. What, oh what, are we supposed to do?' In my headworld they jump on Principal Principal's desk and perform a tap-dance routine. A spotlight flashes on them. A chorus line joins in, and the guidance counselor dances around a spangled cane. I giggle. Zap. Back in their world.

You've fallen in love with me. You want to have my babies. We'll get a team of horses and a covered wagon and we'll journey to South America and raise goats.

want to go out with me? ??? chill, im not gay ???? r u shur you're not my type G wats yr typ? people who can spell

I said "shit" in front of the church ladies

One night the cook served us beans and more beans for dinner. Instead of sleeping, we farted all night long, which caused

There is one good thing about not eating," I said. "What would that be?" Greenlaw asked. "We've got nothing to fart with.